Inquiring minds want to know and I want to let the cat out of the bag so here’s what’s going on with my cancer treatment .
My last CT scan on August 16th, 2018 was not good. My cancer continues to spread. The left lobe of my liver is almost completely covered with cancerous lesions and there are some spreading to my right lobe. No important functions of my liver are compromised yet, but my liver enzymes are slightly high. If my liver enzymes continue to rise, that’s bad news. We want those to decrease and the lesions to shrink. Livers are good at regenerating so there is some hope there.
Further, I have a new bone metastasis in my sternum. Right in the middle of my chest. It hurts a lot and is affecting my ability to move. We hope the chemo helps chill that out and if it doesn’t, we will try to radiate it. People can live with bone mets for a while. But when organs are compromised, this makes treatment harder.
On top of this, I’ve been having nausea, pain and lethargy… like can’t stay awake for longer than three hours at a time, lethargy. In fact, is it time for a nap?
We discovered via blood tests that this is due to a condition called hypercalcemia. Hypercalcemia means that calcium from my bones is leaching into my bloodstream as the malignancy pushes the calcium out of my bones. Hypercalcemia affects EVERYTHING. It makes me confused, in pain and throwing up. It blows (chunks). It could have been caused by 2 things. 1. The Ixempra (the last chemo I was taking) could be hanging on and giving me some lasting side effects. Or 2. Tumor malignancy, which basically means my tumors are getting angrier. (Likely due to the fact that I’m such a badass warrior woman and they haven’t been able to take me down yet). Fuckers. If we can’t get the hypercalcemia “under control” that is “bad for prognosis”. BOOOO. If we can get the hypercalcemia to chill the fuck out, we can all hold onto a little more hope!
I’m not going to sugar coat this. First of all, I’m not even eating sugar right now. Plus, I’ve never liked that type of communication, and you don’t really like it. I actually don’t know who does? I’m going to die. Probably soon. I’ve been given a wide range of life expectancy right now, between 5 months-2 years, but anything could happen to lengthen that timeline.
I don’t want to die.
I want to watch my kids grow up. I want to help my husband clean the house (instead of pointing out what needs to be cleaned) and keep our household running smoothly. I want to go on vacations with my family. Watch my daughter as she moves through her friendships and puberty and see how she integrates grace and kindness into her life. I want to see my son gain more confidence so he stops caring what his peers say or do and realizes that he is an amazing ball of light and energy and love that doesn’t need to change. I want to look on as they score goals, master dance moves, ace tests, have their hearts broken or friendships fall apart. I want to be there for their good and bad choices so that I can guide them through to the lesson on the other side.
And Jim, I don’t just want to be a whisper in your ear as you guide them through. I want to be the force by your side.
Last night, I lay in my son’s bed as he fell asleep and asked my deceased father for help understanding. Why? Why do I have to go? This isn’t fair. I want to be here. 10 years of parenting is not enough. I want more. I’m a good parent. Why is this happening?
My dad was silent. But I knew the answer. It just is what it is.
There are no answers to these questions.
Stop yourself if you are about to comment that, “Everything happens for a reason” or, “God has special plans for me” or some other bullshit. I’m not interested in that garbage right now. Fact is, I don’t really need a reason why this is happening to me.
I do know I have done my best to prolong the time I’ve been given. I’m actually quite shocked that I’m writing with this news. I always imagined myself a “remarkable responder”, but I guess I’m just … not. I’ve experimented with different treatments and medicines and healing pathways since day one. I have had a positive attitude. I have been open to new teachings from the universe. I have worked on my stagnant emotions. There is little more that I could have done within the confined 24 hours we are granted each day, because, you guys, I’ve even done dream work. You don’t have the answer and neither do I, and that is okay, because some mysteries just can’t be solved.
Now is the time for comfort. Now is time to wrap my body in warmth and sunlight. I need to cocoon myself so that I can emerge into the next phase of my existence. Whatever that may be. I’m not saying I’m going to curl up and die, did you really think that’d be the way I’d go? If so, please go back to the beginning of this blog and start over. The next phase could be anything.