Inquiring minds want to know and I want to let the cat out of the bag so here’s what’s going on with my cancer treatment .
My last CT scan on August 16th, 2018 was not good. My cancer continues to spread. The left lobe of my liver is almost completely covered with cancerous lesions and there are some spreading to my right lobe. No important functions of my liver are compromised yet, but my liver enzymes are slightly high. If my liver enzymes continue to rise, that’s bad news. We want those to decrease and the lesions to shrink. Livers are good at regenerating so there is some hope there.
Further, I have a new bone metastasis in my sternum. Right in the middle of my chest. It hurts a lot and is affecting my ability to move. We hope the chemo helps chill that out and if it doesn’t, we will try to radiate it. People can live with bone mets for a while. But when organs are compromised, this makes treatment harder.
On top of this, I’ve been having nausea, pain and lethargy… like can’t stay awake for longer than three hours at a time, lethargy. In fact, is it time for a nap?
We discovered via blood tests that this is due to a condition called hypercalcemia. Hypercalcemia means that calcium from my bones is leaching into my bloodstream as the malignancy pushes the calcium out of my bones. Hypercalcemia affects EVERYTHING. It makes me confused, in pain and throwing up. It blows (chunks). It could have been caused by 2 things. 1. The Ixempra (the last chemo I was taking) could be hanging on and giving me some lasting side effects. Or 2. Tumor malignancy, which basically means my tumors are getting angrier. (Likely due to the fact that I’m such a badass warrior woman and they haven’t been able to take me down yet). Fuckers. If we can’t get the hypercalcemia “under control” that is “bad for prognosis”. BOOOO. If we can get the hypercalcemia to chill the fuck out, we can all hold onto a little more hope!
I’m not going to sugar coat this. First of all, I’m not even eating sugar right now. Plus, I’ve never liked that type of communication, and you don’t really like it. I actually don’t know who does? I’m going to die. Probably soon. I’ve been given a wide range of life expectancy right now, between 5 months-2 years, but anything could happen to lengthen that timeline.
I don’t want to die. 
I want to watch my kids grow up. I want to help my husband clean the house (instead of pointing out what needs to be cleaned) and keep our household running smoothly. I want to go on vacations with my family. Watch my daughter as she moves through her friendships and puberty and see how she integrates grace and kindness into her life. I want to see my son gain more confidence so he stops caring what his peers say or do and realizes that he is an amazing ball of light and energy and love that doesn’t need to change. I want to look on as they score goals, master dance moves, ace tests, have their hearts broken or friendships fall apart. I want to be there for their good and bad choices so that I can guide them through to the lesson on the other side.
And Jim, I don’t just want to be a whisper in your ear as you guide them through. I want to be the force by your side.
Shit.
Last night, I lay in my son’s bed as he fell asleep and asked my deceased father for help understanding. Why? Why do I have to go? This isn’t fair. I want to be here. 10 years of parenting is not enough. I want more. I’m a good parent. Why is this happening?
My dad was silent. But I knew the answer. It just is what it is.
There are no answers to these questions.
Stop yourself if you are about to comment that, “Everything happens for a reason” or, “God has special plans for me” or some other bullshit. I’m not interested in that garbage right now. Fact is, I don’t really need a reason why this is happening to me.
I do know I have done my best to prolong the time I’ve been given. I’m actually quite shocked that I’m writing with this news. I always imagined myself a “remarkable responder”, but I guess I’m just … not. I’ve experimented with different treatments and medicines and healing pathways since day one. I have had a positive attitude. I have been open to new teachings from the universe. I have worked on my stagnant emotions. There is little more that I could have done within the confined 24 hours we are granted each day, because, you guys, I’ve even done dream work. You don’t have the answer and neither do I, and that is okay, because some mysteries just can’t be solved.
Now is the time for comfort. Now is time to wrap my body in warmth and sunlight. I need to cocoon myself so that I can emerge into the next phase of my existence. Whatever that may be. I’m not saying I’m going to curl up and die, did you really think that’d be the way I’d go? If so, please go back to the beginning of this blog and start over. The next phase could be anything.
I don’t know what happens when we die, even if I was there many moons ago.
I do know this. Like a beautiful butterfly you flutter in and make us think and talk about things that leave us frightened, speechless, scared. You prove to me over and over again to speak. Speak loud, speak from the heart, and scream when you need to. Forever, in any of our passing’s, we are kept alive through the songs we sing/sang. Your words have always been lyrics and your tune will play for lifetimes after us. You wrote about how you talked to your Dad, and like you, our kids will all do that too (especially if we give them the courage to do so). You say you aren’t dead yet. I say, You are so Alive. I love you. I celebrate you. I am grateful for you.
I love you and your heart and your words so much. XO
Damn it Maggie! That is all is DAMN IT!!! I would like to say I can understand a little but I can’t – not even with Onnika…but I know you are a badass in the best most amazing way possible. We love you!
Well-knowing the value and honoring what our lives are and knowing it can all change in 2 seconds…That’s pretty understanding.
Thank you-and always thinking of your little warrior.
XO
I love you. I know I say this to you overandoverandover again, but it’s all that comes out. And WTF, Mags. What the fucking fuck?!
Yeah. I know. Is there any more to say? It feels like no.
I speak my mind like I’ve never spoken my mind before because of your badass-edness. I will make more better and brighter things happen around me because of your leg. I’ve been reading every word of what you’ve said all this time and I carry you in my heart. I am so grateful to you for putting it all out there for me.
Thank you so much. I’m so glad you are doing all this! You are amazing!
I have no words.
I think you are an AMAZING person!
Your family is Blessed to have you.
People strive for years to be the Mom you are. ❤️❤️
Wow. What a compliment. Thank you so much for your kindness and support.
You are an inspiration to all of us. Hugs and Prayers.
Thank you so much.
I can’t read this without at least commenting that I am listening. I am thinking about you and about your whole family, the ones I have met and love as if they’re my own family and the ones I’ve never met. Your courage is startling, baffling, inspiring. What I am going to try to do in my own life is try and reflect that courage during times when I would ordinarily just back down.
Much love,
Melina (A friend of the Boymer girls.)
I love that. You can do it.
Love to you.
Just xo ❤️
Thank you.
You certainly aren’t! You are alive and I feel it every time you write or when I see you. Love you.
Love you too. Hope to see you soon.
You are a “remarkable responder” in words and attitude, no doubt. This disease is definitely not fair- you are helping people remember what matters, and what we can and can’t control. Continue to keep it real- we love you and are sending vibes of good, pain free days ahead- as many good ones as possible. Xo
I don’t know you in real life, but I’m a mom and a cancer veteran and I want to say: I’m here. I see you. I know there are more words but I keep coming back to those. I bear witness.
Sending you love and light. Thank you for your blog. Your dad sent me the link when you started it (I’m a former supervisee of his). I hope you experience much comfort and healing from the love that surrounds you.
Thank you for this. Thank you for the love and healing you give to us all. Thank you for your honesty and for your unbridled wisdom. Maggie’s bright side will never dim. You are the light. That light lives eternally. My husband (who died of a rare form of cancer) said he felt like he was taking off his clothes when asked what it felt like to die. He knew he was leaving that body. But his spirit still is here….(he died over fifteen years ago.) I suspect you’ll be with us for a long time, Maggie. That kind of love never dies.
There are warriors amongst us that remind us to sip the sunshine out of every day. No rhyme no reason to that selection process -that we’re privy to anyway..my heart is full of admiration and gratitude for you, warrior woman ❤️
Maggie , I am so glad I got to meet u through Becca . You’re a great inspiration to all of us. .You’re an amazing lady. You were so beautiful with Nathan and Becca’s wedding. I love reading your story I hope you have a good day love you .
Maggie what can I say you are such an inspiration to me.
My thoughts and prayers are with you in this battle with cancer. Love you ????
Pat
All the feels. And such BS that life is not as chill as it needs to be. It needs to be CHILL dammit! Thank you for your willingness to share and the reminder of perspective. Much love
You are our leader in this fight. God bless you and your children. <3
Your love, your struggle, your fierceness. It is all so beautiful and so hard to witness. Because it is not fair. Cancer is a motherfucker.
Anything can happen, holding on to hope that the twists and turns will turn towards longevity. This is beyond not fair. I am very humbled by your fierce wisdom, vulnerability in sharing and the leadership that you have displayed throughout this fight. I am humbled by your all around amazingness; my heart is with you.
Maggie,
I just have to chime in. I’ve missed our visits. Thank you for being a kick ass role model for all of us. Thinking of you and your family now and always.
Mary Stanley
so much love to you Maggie. continue soak in your beautiful family. let them surround you as always.
Maggie, you are light and a most beautiful and fierce embodiment of LIFE and LIVING and LOVING! That has inspired us, challenged us, amazed us, pushed and encouraged us and touched us all deeply. That energy will never disappear. You make me want to be a better person, and more generous friend, a more grateful parent and a more deeply human human. You have lived more in these past three years than most live in a lifetime!! I want to roar with frustration and heartache over all you, Jim and the kids are dealing with! But I also want to send you the love and warmth and sunshine that you deserve right now, too. So I will do both, with my whole heart and soul. You are such a powerful warrior and ray of light! And you are loved.
My daughter Caitlin Perry was talking to me on the phone today about how courageous Maggie is preparing for her passing. She suggested I go to the maggiesbrightside web site which brought me here. Words can’t describe how moving your most recent post was to me. Love and Peace and warmth to you from the Rocky Mountains,
Peggy Everhart
Maggie, you and your family are amazing and beautiful! You are all in my thoughts and I am always sending good vibes and positive energy! Love and light!
I’m glad I know you! I love that women like you exist! You are forever imprinted on my soul as a badass for sure! Thank you for everything! Because you exist we all are stronger! Thank you Maggie’s Brightside! Thank you for being you Maggie! You ARE just incredible!!